Washing the dishes.

Some years ago I had a student who was a mature woman, divorced and sharing her house with her two adult sons. All three were working and so an agreement was reached. The mother would prepare, cook and serve the evening meal, and the sons would clear the table and wash the dishes afterwards.

This arrangement worked well until the mother began to train with me and learn the two meditations of awareness and love.

After some time, she began to notice that when she had prepared, cooked and served the evening meal, the sons would clear the table but leave the dishes piled up in the sink unwashed. If she began to complain about this the sons would listen for a moment and then say, almost in unison, ‘Ah, you’re getting angry, you need to meditate !’

She would suddenly stop and think, ‘Yes, I am getting angry, I do need to meditate.’

She would go to her cushion, meditate and then come back and wash the dishes. Naturally she became tired of this and asked me what she could do. I told her simply, don’t be a victim to your sons' manipulation, and definitely don’t wash the dishes !

Before wisdom arises, there is often a misunderstanding of what it means to be a student of Dhamma. It does not mean that simply because you have begun a meditation practice, you should never be angry again or that you should never stand up for yourself.

Being a student of Dhamma means that we are training ourselves in the disciplines of awareness and love. Awareness to see things as they really are, and love to accept them as they really are, and as they manifest in this moment. The arising wisdom from this training will allow us to respond to life in a way that recognises the equal validity of ourselves and the other in every moment and in every situation. This is very important ! You have the same right to happiness as everyone else, not more, but never less!

A student of mine in France asked me, ‘If I practice loving kindness for others, won’t they just take advantage of me?’

I replied, ‘If that really happens, whatever you think you’re doing, you are not practising loving kindness.’

The first person we have to love is ourselves, and love is never weak. It is never aggressive or arrogant, but it is always strong, and in the end it is the only thing that will serve us in difficult moments.

Love itself has the quality of honesty and simplicity and so there is never the need to explain or justify your position.

From love and wisdom, we can say what we need to say, and then give the space to others to decide what they want to do in this situation. The moment we begin to explain, justify and defend our anger or unhappy feeling, we are lost.

If we have an agreement with others, we have the right to expect that the agreement will be upheld, whether we are meditators or not.

My student was able to do this by speaking quietly and directly to her sons, where she was able to say, ‘We have an agreement, I will cook the dinner and you will wash the dishes. If you don’t want to wash the dishes, I won’t cook for you. This is simple and clear. Now you must decide for yourselves what you want to do.’

This is the teaching.

You are not here to be the victim of anyone, and taking that position will not ultimately help you or the other person.

Live with love and be aware. Be happy in your life by loving yourself and not falling victim to the manipulations of others.

Bring something beautiful to the world – a brave, clear you !

May all beings be happy.